Playing: "Stone Cold" - Demi Lovato
I've spent the last few days re-reading my Posterous blog, which I kept during 2011 and 2012. I'd started that blog after graduating from my master's program and deciding that I was tired of writing in Tumblr. It was supposed to be a move away from writing about James, but so much of it was about him.
2011 was the year that he told me he loved me and the year we finally lived in the same city again and the year that our 2 year on-and-off relationship imploded. I wrote so much about him beginning from the night he first pulled me into his arms at work in 2009 until the night he last told me he loved me in 2011.
After the relationship ended, I resented myself for writing so much about him. I wasn't sure that he deserved that kind of treatment, being turned into art. Some of the stuff that I wrote was really beautiful and loving. I read a post last night that clawed at my gut and made me cry, about the night he asked me to marry him while we were standing at the edge of the San Diego Bay. I wasn't crying out of want, though. I was crying because... well, shit, I don't know. It was one of those memories that I'd shut out after our break-up and then there it was. It was jarring. It made me hurt for the girl I used to be, for the girl who let him in.
And because of that, I've been feeling very reluctant to write about my latest break-up. I don't even know if I can call it a break-up, but it felt like one as I cried to him on the phone last month.
I want to write about it. I want to write about him, and all of the reasons I am grateful for what we had, but I'm afraid of ever resenting anything about him, or us. So I've been keeping it all tightly sealed. It feels like I'm going to burst.
Maybe I just need to write it out.