Playing: "Kids" - Childish Gambino
I went for a 7 mile run this morning. I also went for one on Monday, but that run was absolutely awful. Somewhere around mile 2 my heart began beating erratically and my jaw started aching. I don't know what the two have to do with each other, but I thought I might be having a heart attack or something so I walked most of that so-called run. Despite the fact that I walked roughly 4 miles of my 7 miler on Monday, I still clocked in at my old long run pace from just 6 months ago. Today was better, though. I was closer to my regular long run pace and my heart didn't decide to go off beat so I ran/jogged all of the miles.
Afterwards I did a quick strength circuit of squat presses, burpees, crunches, and reverse crunches and then felt like I might die.
But it was good.
Working out was the thing that I clung tightly to when I was trying to manage my depression myself. In March, I ran 100 miles. The post-run endorphin rush would help keep my mood stable for a few hours, but once it wore off, I felt terrible. No matter how often I worked out, the feeling of normalcy would fade and I would feel like I'd failed myself. In April, my mileage fell down to 50 miles for the month, despite the fact that I ran a half marathon that month. This month, if I'm lucky, I should hit 50 miles again. It helps that I've been running longer runs during the week.
Now that I'm on anti-depressants, I feel better. The constant feeling of not wanting to be a person (that is what I call suicidal ideation without a plan) has lifted and although my energy levels aren't what they used to be, they are good enough that I feel like I can get out of bed and run 7 miles every so often.
And running is good because I am much nicer to myself when I run than during any other part of my day. I assume it's because if I do not think encouraging thoughts, I will give up and get stuck 4 miles away from home with no way to get back aside from my own two legs. I have to repeat motivational mantras in order to will my body to keep moving forward, regardless of how much I'd prefer to take a detour to the donut shop that always smells of sweet, carby goodness.
It feels good to be nice to myself. It feels good to hear, "I'm proud of you for getting out and running!" or "You're doing better than you did yesterday!"--even if it's coming from inside my own head. I have so many thoughts milling around in there all day and I feel like the majority of them are negative, except for when I'm running. Maybe I should run more so I will keep being nice to myself.