The Unbearable Exhaustion of Existence

Playing: "Cliff Notes" - Emarosa

I just got back from San Diego.  I went to my grandparents' apartment this afternoon to celebrate my grandma's 84th birthday.  I'm surprised I made it because the thought of staying in bed all day reading or playing Tsum Tsum on my phone seemed much more appealing.  In the end, going home was the better choice.  It was better than the last time I was home, for Ben's birthday; I didn't feel as suffocated by the presence of people.  It was good to see my family.  I'm glad that I went.

The drive there and back also gave me ample time to listen to podcasts.  I got through the second Hannah Hart episode of Not Too Deep, the second SIlicon Valley episode of Comedy Bang Bang, and part of Melissa Broder's episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour.  Podcasts are things I listen to when I'm driving, and since I haven't been driving much of anywhere aside from therapy lately, I haven't been listening.  I'm starting to think I should probably listen to podcasts while I clean or play Tsum Tsum instead of rewatching comedies I've already seen.  Sometimes I just like having the sound of people in my apartment without actual people.  Podcasts are perfect for that.

Tomorrow is the beginning of another week of medical leave.  I have two weeks left, which both seems like a long time and not long enough.  I am hoping to actually get something--anything--done this week.  I feel like I could be doing so much with all of this free time, but I have been squandering it.  In actuality, I haven't squandered some of it.  I've been blogging (albeit poorly).  I've been reading.  I've been making attempts at a social life.  I have been doing things.  It doesn't always feel like enough though.  I'm not sure why it doesn't feel like enough though--especially because I'm sure I'm the person who gets to decide what "enough" even looks like.  Maybe I had these grand ideas of what this time off would become and it hasn't been that.  But I'm so tired.  And the thought of doing anything too involved still seems a little bit impossible.

For example: I've been sitting on the idea of doing a vlog for Mental Health Awareness Month.  I've thought about vlogging about my depression.  I've also thought about vlogging about self-care tips that I use to deal with my depression, or with general burnout if I don't want to talk specifically about my depression.  I even sat down last week and tried to film.  But it's so hard!  Talking about depression is not fun to do.  And I felt kind of scared doing it.  So I stopped.  That's when the self-care video idea came about, so I started jotting notes about it and mentally scripting it to be a kind of upbeat video about how I deal with depression, but I haven't been able to bring myself to sit in front of the camera and film.

Processing feelings is wearing me the fuck out and being a functioning human feels so hard right now.  It does, however, feel hard in a way that is different from when I knew my depression was reaching a point that I couldn't handle anymore.  It's not so much that I don't want to be a person anymore (which is how I was feeling in March) as it is that being a person just feels like it takes a lot of energy that I don't currently possess.  That seems like progress.

Now I'm sleepy so I'm going to go do that sleeping thing.