Forward Motion

Playing: "Love Is A Losing Game" - Amy Winehouse

I went out two nights in a row and am feeling proud of myself.  I am planning to go out again tomorrow.  And on Saturday, too.  Thinking about it overwhelms me a little, but I know I can get out of staying too long on Saturday.

Yesterday I went to Literary Death Match at Largo.  It was the first time I'd gone out to a show since February, and I'm glad that I chose to go to Largo.  There's something comforting about its softly lit courtyard and auditorium feel.  Largo has become somewhat of a second home to me over the last three years--a place that has cradled me in its seats at my best and worst, and encouraged me to laugh, cry, think, and feel.  I have made the trek up there countless times, mostly to see Pete Holmes, but I never tire of it.  I've never been to a bad show.  I've never regretted walking through those doors.  Last night was no exception.  The readers--David Ulin, Jen Kirkman, Melissa Chadburn, and Jensen Karp--were phenomenal.  The judges--Percival Everett, Tim Simons, Natasha Lyonne, and Jake Weisman--were equally entertaining, if not more so.  (I may have developed a crush on Jake Weisman last night.  And Tim Simons' beard.)  I forgot how much I enjoy literature and, more than that, storytelling in general.  I was especially blown away by Chadburn's performance.  She was a powerful speaker, well-paced, had props, and the story itself took an arc that I wasn't expecting and that left me deeply moved.  Lately I've been very out of touch with my own desire to write, but last night helped me realize that the flame I hold for writing hasn't been completely extinguished.

And tonight I went to Perch with The Amigaibigan, as I've begun calling them.  We're so ethnic, combining Spanish with Tagalog.  Gisela was in town from DC, so we invited her along as well.  The view of Pershing Square from our outdoor table was lovely.  The sky was grey and the wind picked up every now and again, but I was in good company.  And there were outdoor heaters.  I love having dinner with these women.  I'm sure I have many blog posts that say exactly that, but it's true.  It's been five years since we graduated and I'm still in awe of them every single time.  How did I find myself in the company of such intelligent, beautiful, funny women?

There was a moment during dinner tonight with The Amigaibigan where I felt like I really wanted to get a hold of my life again.  Since my MDD diagnosis and being taken out of work, I've been feeling kind of lost.  The things that used to make me happy seem impossible to do.  I've fallen behind on running, I bought tickets to shows but didn't show up to them, I didn't want to talk to (let alone see) friends, and getting out of bed or off my couch felt like hiking up a steep incline.  But when I looked around at my friends, engrossed in conversation, I couldn't help but want so badly to be like them.  To be intelligent and beautiful and funny.  The moment lasted only for a second, but it still happened.  It was like last week at 826.  It wasn't long, but it was there, and I can build on that.

I am trying to get my footing again.  I started to type that I'm trying hard to get my footing, but I don't feel like I've been trying that hard.  I've been doing as much as I can on any given day.  Sometimes I think I could be doing more, but I suppose if that were true, I would actually do more.  Regardless, I'm making baby steps.  I am trying.  I am doing.  I will hopefully continue with this forward motion.