Cleaning Anxiety

Playing: "Diary" - Wale

I was supposed to get up and run this morning, but I didn't.  I got so far as to get dressed in my running clothes, but when I walked to my living room to put on my shoes, I realized I'd rather wash my dishes than run.

I have group therapy today and I'm anxious about it.  It's my second day and even though I have a better idea of what to expect, I'm still afraid.  This is something that sort of came up when I was in individual therapy yesterday.  I'm in group to learn to build skills to help me be successful in the workplace.  I know that this will take time, but once I'm at least semi-successful with that, the next logical step would be to deal with all the life shit that's been plaguing me.  And that's far scarier than dealing with work stress.  I'm dealing with the easier of the two things now because I'm hoping for an easy victory.  Easy victories are victories nonetheless.

The anxiety is so bad that I constantly feel like throwing up, which is why I decided to forgo running this morning.  I've tried running with that kind of feeling in my gut, and it went poorly.  I'm sure a poor run is better than no run, but I couldn't get myself out the door this morning.

Washing dishes did help, though.  My apartment has been a mess for weeks now and I think when I get home from group I will focus on cleaning my apartment.  I have a lot of laundry that needs doing and a lot of stuff that needs to be put in its proper place.  I have a basket full of mail that hasn't been opened.  I have books in my bed.  I have hand weights in the doorway, shoes everywhere, and a half-full bottle of water from Florida on my nightstand.

I think cleaning might help alleviate some of the anxiety I feel.  I cleaned my office quite a bit before I left and when I walked into it yesterday, I felt serene.  When I walk into my apartment, I feel overwhelmed.  Nothing is where it should be, but it seems like such a big task to clean, so I end up pushing all of the bags and papers on my couch to one side and binge watching Young & Hungry on Netflix to avoid cleaning.

I can't keep avoiding the act of cleaning my apartment.  Otherwise it'll keep getting worse.  And maybe that's a metaphor for my personal life too--I can't keep avoiding that either.  Both my cluttered apartment and my cluttered life need a good cleaning.  I've been avoiding both because the task of cleaning either is daunting.  But it has to be done, doesn't it?  The other option is to continue to let the mess overtake my life until I have nothing left.

I can't let that happen, no matter how anxious I feel right now.