Nineteen

Playing: "Disintegration Anxiety" - Explosions In The Sky

It's Wednesday, also known as weigh day in my household.  I type that as if there are other people in this household who weigh themselves.  There aren't even other people in this household.

I am officially down 19 pounds since the beginning of 2016.

I lost 2 pounds since my last weigh in a week ago, but I think that's largely in part due to the fact that I was so anxious during group therapy on Tuesday that I hardly ate.  I got home and slept almost immediately, completely disregarding my body's need for dinner.

Even so--19 pounds.

This is the first time in my life, to my recollection, that I've lost this much weight in a healthy way.  I've been counting calories and running (usually) 5 times a week, and the weight has slowly been melting away.  My clothes fit better.  Or they don't fit at all--in the good way this time!  This morning I even fit into my favorite dusty rose H&M dress that I bought back in 2011 when I finished grad school.  It last fit back in 2011 when I finished grad school.  I wore that pretty dress once, to Vegas, and haven't fit in it since.  Until today!  I could hardly believe it.

At the beginning of the year, I'd given myself 3 months to lose 11 pounds, and a year to lose 21.  It's only been 4 and a half months and I'm almost to my original goal weight.

I'm trying not to get too caught up in the numbers, but I am amazed by them.  Today I thought of carrying around 19 pounds of, well, anything really, and it blew my mind.  There were 19 more pounds on my body at the beginning of the year and now they're gone.

I am hoping because I made a lifestyle change and didn't go on a diet, or starve myself, that this will be easy to keep off and maintain.  I haven't restricted myself by any means.  I don't have "cheat days" and usually eat what I want.  Thankfully, what I want is typically comprised of fruits, vegetables, quinoa, and protein.  Sometimes, though, it's deep dish pizza from Masa of Echo Park.  Or an entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  Or, like today, gumbo, pommes frites, and a churro from Disneyland.  It's about balance, I guess.

There's comfort in knowing that I have balance in one area of my life.  Mentally and emotionally, I feel like I'm falling apart, but physically I feel like I'm growing stronger.  Maybe I have no choice but to strengthen my body physically to withstand the emotional rigmarole that I'm putting my heart through.  I don't know.  I hope.

But god.  Nineteen!